I spent a lot of time the other night looking at all the blogs on Biblical Womanhood.com just sort of searching around at others blogs’. Reading about encouraging things others are experiencing. Everything was encouraging, positive. Im thankful for that, but sometimes it is encouraging to me to see that there are people blogging in their funk. Its so rare. Like there are none. It was like I was grasping for someone to be struggling and still hanging onto God like I was. For someone to be feeling like I have been. No one really likes to talk about feeling like this, its not encouraging. Right?
It’s been a hard week. At night, its been hard to sleep, my mind wont shut off until 3 am or so. Worries, distresses, anxieties, fears, questions. I came home from church Sunday alone. Ernie was home with a migraine, when I came home he was throwing up from it. Nice. I was so troubled. I sat on the bed and started to pray for him. Instantly a thought came into my mind. “Why would the Lord hear you praying for Ernie?” It was like when Jesus was tempted in the wilderness. I have been very discouraged about Grahm still, struggling through. Wondering why He would hear my prayers for Ernie and not heal Grahm. I was determined to not let these ‘birds’ of thoughts take nest in my mind. But it was hard.
It’s hard to admit this, publicly. I know God is able. All the things someone would use to encourage me. I already know. I know God is Good. I know He is the lily of the valley. I know! I dont want to discourage anyone. But Im a real person and this is just part of it. The reason I’m hanging on is because He has always been faithful to me, I know He won’t stop now.
I read this little book from the 1800’s that I got on eBay. Its called “Better Things” on the book of Hebrews. In it, he talks about drifting. And the word ‘lest.’ Lest is a warning word in the book of Hebrews. Lest we fall away.. etc. He talks about a boat drifting, how we can drift. But drifting is dangerous, because you can end up in the rocks, or worse.. When a wind comes and you are on course, it can further you along. A wind comes and you are drifting, it can mean danger. I want the Lord to use this to work things out in me. Its not always comfortable to have the Lord work things out in you. To see in fact, how little faith I seem to have right now. But I want it to make me stronger. I saw this scripture again posted today in a few places. It encourages me every time I dont understand something.
‘My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord.” Isaiah 55:8
Thats just it. We have to Trust Him. When things dont make sense. Trust Him when it hurts, Believe on Him-when its hard. The scriptures say He is not the author of confusion but of peace. If we press through confusion, we’ll find peace. Its there. Its good to head to the scriptures when my ‘feelings’ are all over the place. The word is steady and solid. We can anchor in the word and drift no more.
A song was on my heart this morning when I woke up. I dont think I have all the words right.. But still, I sang it.
“In the valley, O so low, on the mountain O so tall, you satasfy my longing soul and let me know, you’re in control. I love to worship you, I love to worship you. With my hands, my heart, my soul, I give you praise.” I felt such peace this morning in this song. There is peace. In the valleys, there is peace. If we seek it, He can calm our troubled hearts.